The Annual T-Box Police Blotter Rewind
As always thanks to CWB Chicago for compiling this every year (check out their website HERE). Have to say this sounded like a little bit of a down year for TBox. Cold weather and more regulation is really putting a damper on our drunk police blotter shenanigans. We’ll power through though. As always CWB in bold, my stuff after. Let’s Go…
*Friday Text chain*
“Ok here’s the deal, remember Samantha from College? Well her brother Bobby has a house on Southport and Addison, let’s go there at 8 am, pregame with some fireball and skinny girl then hit the bars ALL day”
“In!”
“Totes In”
“So excited, getting the Fab 4 back together like in College”
*Flash to Saturday morning at TEN FORTY FIVE AM*
10:45AM — Witnesses report a “21- to 25-year-old woman vomiting as she’s walking out of Old Crow Smokehouse.” She’s taken to Advocate Illinois Masonic Medical Center, police said.
And we’re off.
1:22PM — Moe’s Cantina needs an ambulance for a “downer.” The call is forwarded to TBOX’s private ambulance service.
Moe’s Cantina, sneaky biggest tough guy bouncers in Wrigleyville! Also what the hell does a “downer” mean? It’s an all day drinking event and you’re considered a “downer” at 1:22 pm? Red Bull Vodka, Adderall, Blow. Do those things not exist anymore?
2:46PM — “Male white in a black jacket is being beaten by a female white in a Christmas sweater.” Addison and Lakewood.
The classic, “my girlfriend and I have been having a rough time the last few months, no way will an all day drinking event that starts at 8 am end up in a fight by 3 o’clock thus ruining my entire day and embarrassing me in front of ALL my friends”. We’ve all been there buddy, spin zone, T-Box made you single?
2:51PM — The fire department can’t find a reported female down at Clark and Sheffield. 19th district commander Marc Buslik reminds dispatchers that “the organizers of this caper have private ambulances so there may have been a transport.”
Shout out to T-Box for having their own ambulances this year. That’s when you know a party is good, when the organizers have “private ambulances for drunk people” in their budget.
3:38PM — Outside the Coffee and Tea Exchange, “a male white and a female white in matching red holiday sweaters” are beating each other up.
See above about going to T-Box while in a shaky relationship.
5:02PM — “A severely intoxicated male, white screaming for help on the street” at Southport and Waveland.
St Patrick’s Day and T-Box, the two days where if you’re standing in the middle of the street screaming for help at 5 pm, you’re probably just the 20th person to do exactly that on that day. Don’t cry wolf.
5:28PM — The man who was screaming for help has now crashed onto a store’s Christmas display, and he’s refusing to get up. He’s described as “the man with trees on his sweater who’s sitting on a Christmas display.” 3600 block of Southport.
Whoops! Maybe he did need help. The best part about this is Southport Corridor is rich white family ville. Some mom and dad with their two little kids trying to do a little Holiday shopping got their day ruined as some dude tried to take a shit on a Christmas Display as he screamed Help at the top of his lungs.
OMG Pizza Break!
And dudes eating random leftovers break. As weird as this may seem I think we all know that empty stomach feeling when you’ve drank too much. If you don’t get some type of food inside of you you’ll just cease to exist. That’s when you start eating leftovers off stranger’s plates.
5:46PM — Man walks into the 19th district police station at 850 W. Addison and reports that a “highly intoxicated female got into his vehicle and passed out. He doesn’t know the woman.” She’s hospitalized.
“All my friends ditched me, please help me”
*Pukes all over herself*
2035PM — An intoxicated man calls police because Nisei Lounge’s doorman is “being mean” and won’t let him into the bar. The man promptly passes out on the sidewalk. Ambulance scoops him up for a sleigh ride to detox.
Our annual guy who probably told a bouncer that “his dad is a lawyer”. Side note, shout out to Nisei lounge, old school Wrigleyville spot that hasn’t updated a thing in 50 years. Rare in Wriglyeville these days so in my eyes the bouncers can be as mean as they want to be, throwback bar, throwback bouncers. Also awesome beer list.
9:55PM — Intoxicated male white is battering pedestrians as they pass by Clark and Roscoe. He’s wearing “a blue stocking cap, blue sweater, red snow pants, and no shoes.”
The moment where T-Box turns into UFC Fight night. If you haven’t found pizza, or a girl, you land on option 3, wildly swinging at everyone in sight and telling every bro you see to “Come at you”.
12:26AM — “Send me an ambulance. I gotta a drunk who slipped on the ice and cracked his skull” outside Slugger’s World Famous Sports Bar.
The best part about this one is you know the guy who cracked his skull simply walking outside of Sluggers was just telling his friends he could hit the 90 mph fastball in the batting cages. Game of inches. Sometimes you’re so drunk you’ve convinced yourself you’re a borderline MLB player only to paralyze yourself stepping over a curb a second later
12:50AM — In the 1400 block of West Cornelia, an unknown male white is sleeping in the first-floor stairwell. The caller does not remember what the man is wearing, but he has antlers.
And scene. Feels like we always end with someone sleeping somewhere they shouldn’t be. Another T-Box in the books. Like I said at the beginning, relatively tame this year due to weather and a crack down on the fun. Hopefully St. Patrick’s Day will deliver.